The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
