im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
