i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
