After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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