And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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