Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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