I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
