My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
