how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
