he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
