what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
