How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
