Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
