You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
