Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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