I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
