Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
