When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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