I think I died a long time ago.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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