last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
porn star boner night. come get it.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
