I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
