But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just invented taco cereal.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He shit in the fireplace
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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