So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
