so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
