Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
