Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
