I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
