He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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