He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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