remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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