I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
