I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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