Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
