6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
