I'm sorry my penis didn't work
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
