I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
