After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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