There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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