Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
try to milk me bitch
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