For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
