I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
