he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
