oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
