Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
