only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
