i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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