It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
