He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
