Umm I'm too high to move.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
