my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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