i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
