I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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