your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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